Sunday, February 13, 2005
Can't sleep. Thinking about too many things. Thinking about him . Thinking about how things became what they are today. Thinking about how long it has been since i last messaged him and thinking about the last time i felt confident and good about myself. It has just been a week but i feel like it has already been a decade.
Just heard a line on "Keeping the Faith" that got me thinking. "Which is worse? To be heartbroken or to doubt yourself?" Well, i dunno. I personally think it's worse to doubt yourself because that shows that you are losing your faith in yourself and starting to think that you are a really lousy person. It seems like you will never be able to recover but then, i think the two are equally painful... so if worse refers to the pain you go thru, i will tell u i seriously dunno which is worse...
Oh well, i also think that the two can be very closely linked. Like in my case, i'm experiencing both at the same time. I just decided to give up on him a week ago and it really breaks my heart to know that it doesn't seem to bother him very much. It totally breaks my heart to know that i have absolutely no place in his heart. It is indeed very painful. So painful that i avoid thinking about it. It is also painful to see all your close friends get attached one by one and you still left single and unwanted. It makes u doubt yourself, BIG TIME. And that is just as painful as being "dumped". So what do i feel now? Self doubt or heartache? Errr... i dunno.
Sighz... i wonder if he knows my feelings... If he sees the kinda pain i'm going through, what will he do? How will he react? Will he read my blog? I'm silently hoping that he will get a shock then start treating me better but in this tiny corner of my heart, i also know that he will not react that way. I know that he will brush it off and tell me that i'm acting irrationally. That's why i cannot bring myself to message him. Don't even dare to send him a simple good night message. I'm simply too frightened that i will get a reply i don't wanna see. I simply don't wanna get hurt again and get pulled deeper into the abyss....
*sigh*
Feels so much better after getting it off my mind. Don't regret climbing out of my bed to type this entry. At least i know that after i finish this entry, i won't have to cry myself to sleep... My eyes already don't look very pretty... don't want it to be swollen as well. Good night guys. =)
YYY
